Getting into the School Year Swing

Mina started the first day of school with happiest of faces. That afternoon, pickup was quite a bit less exciting. In fact, she was so exhausted that she cried for at least 30 minutes straight. Still, every morning, she pops up ready for school. We have had the added bonus of Meme helping to relax the separation anxiety... Now that we are finishing our fourth week of classes, some of the changes in her school life are rubbing off at home. Mina is more polite, thoughtful,and helpful. Still my little spark of course- Her spirit has not been dulled except from the exhaustion of a very long day. She is herself, only more refined. I see in the kids at her school much of the same. A reflex to help others, without prompting. The most touching of moments happened when Mina was having a rough morning and she sat on the ground in protest. Quietly, a little girl from her class, Annie, came to sit by her. She said nothing, simply sat down as a sign of support and solidarity. It still moves me. Jovie is also struggling with the change. She does not seem to want me around. Or she just wants to watch tv all day. When we go to get Mina (or conversely when Mina and I pick Jovie up from preschool) Jovie will push me out of the way to hug Mina first. I LOVE LOVE LOVE that the girls are so close. I hope that is something that continues into their adult lives, and after Damon and I are gone... But I feel lost. I have one child clinging to me, and one pushing me away. And their situations are such that I cannot seem to make either fully satisfied. I can't seem to find myself either.

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I have no idea what to name this post. There you go. I love watching my girls play together. Copycat and dance, giggle, and bicker. Don't much like the REAL fights, but I love the back and forth "Jovie let me hold your hand." "NO!" or "Wheres Neena.... Oh! Dere she-iess" then to watch mina come running at Jovie. (This was written many months ago... Can't seem to figure out how to post it where I want it to. Also, I refuse to catch up on technology. I plan to be an old lady for a very long time)

A Few Favorite Things, So I don't forget.

Jovie loves pigtails and braids. She excels at gymnastics and enjoys dancing and singing... Also screaming "The Rainbow Connection" like she is a member of the band Kitty. Steak- Kid can eat a steak, and straight black coffee, and unsweetened tea. She can eat her weight in blueberries, which can be pretty gross in the end. There is a little stuffed basset hound that always calms her down- Originally it was named Violet, but now she vacillates between Violet and Domino. Purple is her FAVORITE color, and she enjoys signing colors and is learning the alphabet in ASL. And lastly, she LOVES to run, jump in my lap and give BIG hugs, or lean her head into mine until our noses and foreheads are touching and my eyes cross in such a way that she looks like a cyclops. Jovie loves to "help" me fold, and is a lean, mean, magic erasering machine. Oh- and Bebe Girl can skate. Mina loves MUD. Full Stop. She will cover herself HEAD TO TOE, wringing it between her fingers and squidging it through her toes. Planting she THINKS she can do, though it really just means she makes a hole, takes a stick or a fallen branch with leaves on it, and stabs it into the ground. Reading is fundamental for Mina. No seriously. If she were behind me right now, she would be reading over my shoulder. A few days ago she got red paint all over herself and when I was cross she said "BUT MOM, IT IS WASHABLE TEMPERA." Can't argue with that. Mina loves strawberries and will eat them until her mouth hurts. She also requests "peanut noodles" on a regular basis. Much to my dismay (and now wholehearted acceptance) her favorite color is pink, especially saturated pinks. Hot cherry pink- bubblegum pink kinda makes me want to barf. She loves art, singing, and dancing. She admires her dance teacher "Ms. Sharon" a great deal. Not unlike Jovie, Mina has taken to "helping" me, though her specialty is vacuuming. Lady Daisy cannot skate, but she sure as hell tries. Both of these ladies like to turn their backs to you, point their fingers in the air and shake their booties back and forth. And they help put groceries away. I cannot wait until they are old enough to do dishes. My current favorite thing is when they sing together. Not too far back, we were all snuggling, and I started singing Rainbow Connection (one of my very favorites) and they both started singing along. In unison. It was magical. But it is equally magical (and more hilarious) when they start busting out Adele's "Rumor Has It," or some ancient Journey song. LOVE THAT.

More Little Things

Jovie, not the biggest fan of water... Bath time? Great- unless there is washing of hair involved. Swimming? A wading pool is OK, but only after much deliberation. Auntie Lola's pool? She would rather brave scorching heat in a sand box than swim. That is, until yesterday. We coaxed, and bribed, and finally just brought her into the water. Damon held her up high and slowly let her feel the water on her feet and legs, but by the time the water reached her stomach- there was screaming. We tried other tricks, finally deciding on a mixture of distraction, multiple flotation devices (including my knockers, Big Red and Double Mint) and lots of calm words and deep breathing. Miraculously, I am not sure at what point, she started to trust me enough to actually "swim" She leaned forward, let me hold her at her chest/tummy, and kicked with all of her might- She kept exclaiming "LOOK, I DID IT! I AM A MERMAID" And after an assisted round of the pool, I somehow convinced her to touch her feet to the bottom of the shallow part of the pool OH THE JOY ON HER FACE!!! She continued to joyful state that she was walking and doing it on her own. I would dive under the water just to watch her dance on her tippy toes from Damon to me. It was like watching her take her first steps all over again. And Mina? SHE IS A FISH. I can barely keep her above water. She constantly wants to "dive" under and swim toward me until our foreheads touch. It is amazing. Just one day we went from "blow bubbles into the water" to "try to put your face in the water" to "I CAN DIVE!!!" Generally summer is my least favorite of seasons. Not generally. As a rule, summer is my enemy, what with the sweating and the revealing outfits... But now, with an accessible pool, perfectly sized for short outings... Maybe summer won't end up being THAT bad. And it will be something the girls happily remember. And I will never forget.

The Mini-Epiphany

Kindergarten approaches. If I think about it too much, I cry. No- I sob uncontrollably. My mom used to call me a pew-shaker, sobbing and hiccuping so hard that churchgoers seated nearby had to hold on to their seats. Watching Mina move and bloom into a school aged child- Bittersweet to say the least. She revels in the idea of school, and we are SO fortunate that she was accepted into a school where we think she will excel. Of course I have fears- the same fears I had about both of the girls starting preschool. Mainly, how will the influence of their peers change them. Will their spirits be squelched? Are they going to be the butt of jokes, or the victims of bullying? What if their hearts get broken... How do I deal with that as a parent? Then I think about the possibilities, and the levels of knowledge and beauty they are going to soar right in to. How amazing it will be to see them making lasting friendships- And perhaps for me to make some too. Today, while I was trying to ignore the black hole trying to suck me into sadness, I had a thought... About how lucky I am, and how lucky my children are. Damon and I have a major opportunity. We have the opportunity to fill our children's lives with beautiful memories. Colorful, rich memories immortalized in thousands of pictures- While I do hand my children off to the institution of education for 9 months out of the year, I get the distinct pleasure of filling their summers with experiences outside of the classroom. Months full of dancing, swimming, parks, movies. Library visits, day camps, and extra snuggles. I get to do this for them. I get to be THAT mom. THAT mom that I want to be. And as a final bit of sweetness to this bittersweet change- I also get to explore ME. I get to find out who I am now, other than mom. I love being a mother, but like nearly every mother on the face of the planet- your role overtakes you. I have changed so much, even before having children- I knew who I wanted to be when I was 18. Those dreams have changed, some vaporized, some fulfilled, some in flux... But now I have the chance to explore those feelings, explore myself and find my spark again. Lucky.

Around the corner

Today at Target I was perusing the art supplies isle, and I saw that crayons were on sale. As I reached for a box, I realized that in a very short time I would be packing a bag of supplies for Mina to go to Kindergarten. I nearly crumbled on the floor. Thursdays the girls go to preschool. It is an investment Damon and I find to be very important. The girls are gone from about 8:30 until 4:30 most weeks. And every week around 4pm I start to get an ache in my heart for them to be back. As maddening as it can be to have them rampage the house and dishevel the entirety of our house- My heart, in a very cliche, but very real way- aches. How am I going to deal with Mina being gone for 7 or 8 hours a day? And how am I going to go through with putting Jovie in preschool for 2 days instead of 1? What the hell was I thinking when I set that up? Apparently this is a day to be extra tenderhearted. I find myself holding my breath and sucking air into my lungs sporadically as I realize I have forgotten to breathe. Life moves, they grow- I have tens of thousands of pictures (not kidding) of them to show the passage of time... I sincerely hope, that like Mina and Jovie turning 5 and 3, I will get my tears out now and when that day comes that my universe gets rocked a little, I will be ready and I will let things change without so much pain and denial. This part of motherhood, I never expected.

Non-linear time

NO matter how awful my day was. No matter how much screaming, fighting, tears, and messes have happened- as soon as my girls are asleep. It melts away. And suddenly that deep well of feelings gush to the surface.

I think of how much I love the way Jovie intertwines her fingers or places her hands together and rests her cheek on them. And how Mina still furrows her brow in the exact same manner as she always has.

When my kids are asleep, the house is quiet time unravels a bit. I remember the good, and laugh at the not so good.

This is when I can cherish their childhoods. Certainly on days when everything is sunshine and I feel like the luckiest mom on the earth, that is easy- but I can plot each memory point in my brain once they are asleep. And I CAN cherish the here and now.

March Stuff-

First off may I just say- when the hell did I used to have time to do all of that blogging? Seriously? What a joke.

Since my lovely daughters happen to love TV so much, in addition to cutting back on how much they watch, I have also started changing what I let them watch. While pretty much everything geared toward kids their ages seems to have "lessons" and "learning" built in, I wanted a break from commercials... or really fast-forwarding through commercials. Which incidentally cuts in to my "kids are busy, get stuff done" time.

Of course, there are still episodes of My Little Pony (I love it as much as they do), and Sesame Street, and Sid the Science kid... Oh and Jane and the Dragon- but instead of 2 solid hours of that stuff, we have started watching "Signing Time."

And you know what? I am shocked by their response. They ask for it constantly, and a few days ago when Jovie was EXTREMELY mad at me for something (I think it was bedtime) she was not only screaming "NO!" at the top of her lungs and throwing her head violently from side to side, but she was furiously signing "NO!" with her fingers. Hi-larious.

I am trying to learn right along with them. So far, we have learned many of the colors, and quite a few "playtime" words like friend, sorry, hurt, please, thank you, etc. It is good for their little brains, and another language never hurts! Hell- by the time this is all over they may speak English, ASL, French, and the few words of Spanish that I use regularly.

The Clumsy Runner

Perhaps this will become a regular thing, I have no clue... By since January 2nd, D and I have been training for a 5k. Training has been very slow and has been challenging. Bt now I find myself anxious and discouraged, I ws truly feeling like a runner... Like I enjoyed jamming hoe earbuds into my ears and feeling my feet hit the pavement- finding that laser focus on the lights ahead of me and settling into a hypnosis. Short lived of course, since our training was staggered in intervals of jogging and brisk walking.

I had no idea running was so involved mentally. I thought you put on shoes, strapped the boobs down and went. Nope. It is much more mindful and tricky. My gait is not quite right and if kinesiology class Did me any good, I recall I have an underpronted foot. Which causes me to "roll" it regularly. This once landed me in a hot pink cast up to my knee that did not come off until 3 weeks before my wedding.

Recently I rolled it again, doing a massively clumsy fall. Rolling my foot, missing the last 2 stairs and landing awkwardly on my knees and ankles. (IMSAVED THE CAMERA!!!) I thought I was fine, sore, but running or walking would loosen it up. After a few running attempts, it is obvious that I have reinjured myself. No cast required thus far. None expected.

So I am taking a step back and that scares the hell out of me.m I wonder if I will be able to restart after taking a break. Even walking for extended periods of time hurts.

I will find something else to help me increase my stamina and strength. Perhaps some yoga and low impact aerobics. Was thinking Zumba, but after tonight's practice, I am seeing sweeping and blah blah blah

Maybe yoga is in my future.

I have to get back to running though. I am a runner. I never thought I wouild say that.... Especially not in my current physical state... But there is something I love about it. When I get into that zone...the zen... I like to call it running hypnosis. Or maybe running hypnotized. You see what is in front of you, you stare at it and it is like a tractor beam pulls you to it.

I would like to be able to come home and not find myself on the floor in pain. I would like to feel less like my legs are filled with boiling liquid lead. And I would prefer not to feel the need to cry afterwards... That may just be my endorphins kicking in and my brain having no idea what to do with a flux of chemicals, of my wishes, the is the last I am worried about.

It is my plan to get back out there and run a 5k this year. In fact, I have my eyes set on the gobbler grind all the way in November. It is a longer term goal and I think I can handle these early setbacks and still make it there in time.

I will always kiss my bebes

Tucking Mina in for a nap, giving kisses as I always do... She said she does not get kisses anymore, she got them when she was a baby but she does not get them anymore.

I told her I will give her kisses as long as she wants me to. When she is in college, if she gets married, when she has babies of her own- I will always give her hugs and kisses.

Then I am reminded of my own mortality and how I won't be able to give her kisses forever. And I feel like I am going to barf.