Geez, I thought I was done with this stuff

Had a panic attack yesterday about Damon going back to work. Took 1/2 an ativan in hopes that it was a singluar occurence and the 1/2 would knock it out without causing me too much trouble.

Then this morning, I had another attack. This one was random. Started as a burning in my chest and moved to burning in my back and heart palpations, crying, etc etc. The whole shebang. I did not want to take anything so I fought it for about an hour and then Damon asked me to take the other half. And I did and I felt more in control about an hour later.

It has since worn off and though I still feel some dull pangs in my heart occasionally, I really mostly feel very very tired.

I am not sure how long this stuff is going to keep tormenting me. I go back for a suture check next Tuesday and I am going to ask for advice about seeking additional help. My last counselor was ok, but I don't really want to go see her. I want someone to help me delve right into the things I am feeling instead of taking 3 weeks worth of a history and then doing some type of eye voodoo on me (called EMDR and I think it helped but that was depression). If they are going to do the eye voodoo- lets do it right away. Sheesh.

Anyways- I keep hoping that these panic attacks are not going to be a permanent fixture in my life. I am hopeful that this is just a function of my body being under stress and it over-reacting with adrenaline and whatever else is bouncing around in there.

My mom has been stressing how important it is to take care of myself- and to teach my girls through my example... That if I am in need of help (whatever kind that it may be) that it is ok to ask for it and get it. This is a kind of weakness I don't particularly like to show. In fact, I don't like showing much weakness at all. Especially where my health and VERY ESPECIALLY when it concerns my MENTAL HEALTH. But, I cannot take care of my girls if I am crippled by panic and anxiety.

I am thankful I have help. And I am thankful that if I need them, there are meds I can take and they help me greatly.

I hope for good sleep tonight and a great day tomorrow- I hope in time, this will be a memory, and I hope tat somehow my girls will see me as empowered and not weak for doing what is necessary to help me be better.