Hormones-

Well- today I feel like I "think" I should feel being this far out of having a baby. Hormonal, weepy, a bit out of sorts.

We felt it was important to keep some semblance of a schedule up for Mina, so she is going to Meme's today and for some reason that makes me feel like the WORST.PERSON.EVER.

When I was pregnant, I looked forward to the days when I knew that Mina would be spending a lot of time with her daddy. They already spend a lot of time together of course, but I looked forward to getting to sleep in and snuggle with Jovie, while they did breakfast and snuggled on the couch.

But now I feel sad and guilty. I am doing my best to spend as much time with her as I can- and she has not complained... But my heart is aching. Just aching.

I cannot wait until the days when I am no longer unable to take naps. Mina loves to snuggle up and take naps together. We did it a lot before Jovie got here - I have never been this afraid of sleep before. But I imagine this is temporary and when things get back to normal, I can snuggle up with my happy toddler and enjoy some quality snuggle time.

Today- I really miss that wonderful floating euphoria I was feeling yesterday. But I knew it was somewhat artificial and that I was dealing with adrenaline laced mania and that it could not last and probably was not wholly healthful. I think I am feeling today what is probably more "normal" for a new mother of two. And being normal is a good thing, not always pleasant, but still good.

My plan for the day is to get myself showered (our shower is getting a LOT of use), maybe toss in a little laundry or clean up the front room a bit. Damon plans to work on cleaning the garage, another step in getting the house ready to sell.

So, I am getting by- feeling more normal and hopeful that someday soon I will want to take a nap. I really miss those. Oh- and I think we might have a good sleeper on our hands with Jovie. I have always felt Mina was a pretty good sleeper, and I think Jovie might be going to the next level- at night she seems to go 4-5 hours between feedings, which means 3-4 hours of solid sleep for me. I have to get over my fear of going to sleep and her waking up moments later. That is part of my anxiety- I don't remember how i got over it last time. Maybe exhaustion just takes over...

Tonight I am going to try to go to sleep without the assistance of ativan. I can see that it could become very addictive for me. I am going to try benadryl or tylenol pm first. Lets hope that it works. Maybe this is where not taking naps will come in very handy.

To all of my readers (all 3 of you? HA) I want to say that this writing really has been helping me, and I hope that you are not too worried about me. I think for all that my body has gone through in the last week, I am doing well. And in a couple of days/weeks/months/years this will all be a far away slightly amnesia fuzzy memory. Thank goodness for those crazy wonderful hormones. Except for the ones that are making me nuts right now.

I love you all.