On having Panic Attacks....

"It feels like someone is raping your heart."

Never has a truer statement been uttered by my husband.

You see- I am 5 days post-partum and I am struggling with major anxiety. Why? I do not know. My surgery went great, my daughters are WONDERFUL, my husband is supportive and caring...

But I can't sleep and I have panic attacks when I think about sleeping.

While I was in the hospital they essentially banned me from having guests- I needed rest. Which was so true- by bedtime on Thursday, I probably had not slept more than 4 hours in a 36 hour period. Crazy things were happening with my eyes when I closed them- it was like I was going straight into REM sleep. They gave me some anti-anxiety medication and a sleeping pill and I felt so much better the next morning- but started feeling trapped again. I thought this was an effect of just being in the hospital. So I made my case to be discharged early, and it was accepted.

Now, I can be as tired as physically possible but I lay down and my brain stays up. At first, it was tolerable, but I felt very sad- and your body does not function well on NO sleep. Lack of sleep is to be expected when you have a newborn, but not NO sleep. I could not pinpoint what was happening when I would lay down- just that my heart would race and even my most diligent of deep breathing and progressive muscle relaxation techniques would not quell the onslaught.

Today, both of my girls went down for a rest around 11:30- BLISSFUL! I COULD TAKE A NAP!!! But as soon as the word nap translated into the word "sleep" in my brain, the fire in my chest started again. It was then that I realized I am having panic attacks. Damon had mentioned something about it earlier and it did not register with me that what I was having was "that" serious.

So after talking with my mom and grandma via internet messaging, they convinced me to call my doctor again (which I had done yesterday, when I thought all I needed was sleep- I was told to take 300mg of B-6 and to take two benadryl before bed. I did both of these, to no avail) I felt so much guilt, calling this poor guy AGAIN. He has so many patients, why do I have to be the broken down one- Physically (disregarding the effects of lack of sleep) my body is healing amazingly. In fact I think my blood sugars may even be returning to normal. Anyways- I talked with him and explained what exactly was happening now and how I was functioning and he prescribed an anti-anxiety medication. Damon is getting it for me right now.

I have so much guilt about being this OFF BALANCE. I did have some different issues with Mina's early days- but they all centered around breastfeeding and my milk not coming in. In fact, this very day 2 years ago- I was in panic about nursing because Mina had not eaten for 10 hours or something like that. I remember sobbing in the shower with hot water pouring over my head until it was ice cold. But I don't think it got this far-

I keep apologizing to Damon, I can't think of anything else to do but just try and relax, hold myself together until my medication gets here. I am tingling all over, I feel sick to my stomach, my muscles are balled up and it feels like there is a 5 alarm fire burning in my chest.

It is such a disappointment that things have gone this far our of my control. I am a bit of a control freak anyways- but struggling like this, when everything else is so perfect seems so futile. My daughters are SO BEAUTIFUL. And they are getting along- what an enormous gift! And yet I feel like a caged animal in my own body.

My mom presented things to me in a different light- in order to help me understand that by calling my doctor I was doing the right thing. She reminded me that I need to do this for my girls, if I won't take care of myself for MYSELF at least I could do it for them. And that flipped the switch for me. I sincerely hope that all of this bullshit is not getting to my girls. I hope that by taking charge of it now that I will minimize the effect on them.

And of course, speaking of effects, I am worried about the effect on Jovie and breastfeeding. She is feeding LIKE A CHAMP- I could not be happier there (though I am starting to wonder if she has her days and nights screwed up). Having a second child has made some of the bonding elements a bit more difficult and breastfeeding has certainly helped with that as well. The possible side effects on her could be sedation and weight loss. I hope not to be on this drug anymore than ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY, and thus keep side-effects for her and myself at bay.

What is so funny is that I sit here, and I have been on this medication before- just one dose and it was very helpful. I was having shaking fits, teeth chattering. I think scared the crap out of Damon when I called him from the hospital. He said he had NEVER heard me sound "like that." But I sit here worrying if it will work for me again AND if I can manage to not take it too often- I also wonder WHEN should I take it? Do I take it as soon as he walks in the door? Do I wait until 6 or so in order to let myself get really nice and relaxed before bed? Will I still need to take benadryl do I can go to sleep? My fears are just stacking up over and over.

My family has a tendency toward chemical imbalance. In a lucid moment, Luke (my schizophrenic brother) says "We are pretty, but we are crazy." My father has dealt with being depression and mania (I secretly wonder if he is bipolar), one brother with anxiety and depression (lower levels, but chronic like mine), of course there is the brother with schizophrenia, the maternal grandmother with anxiety and depression (virtually the same type of mess that I deal with- I hope it skips a generation again- because my mom is the most centered and normal of all of us).

Here is what gets to me the most though- if I were, say bleeding profusely from my c-section scar, it would not even cross my mind not to call the doctor. But because my symptoms are literally in my head, I question their legitimacy and try to ignore them. I am very proud of myself for calling the doctor, even though I was scared. And I am hopeful that I will feel better very soon and that I will be able to sleep, and that Jovie will not experience any side-effects, as well that neither of my girls will remember this time and that it will not somehow absorb into their DNA and they will be in therapy forever trying to uncover the cause of some huge emotional scar.

I have to say- writing about this is really cathartic. I am not sure anyone out there actually wants to read about my major chemical weaknesses- but maybe someday I will be able to look back on this and write a follow-up. A happy ending follow up.