Goddammit

Almost 4am. And I am awake. I have taken my anxiety medication- twice now. I get tired, I get to the point I think I am going to fall asleep, I crawl into bed and I think I am about to drift off and then it feels like someone is punching me in the stomach.

I don't know how much longer I can be strong. This is day/night 4. I try not to nap too much in the day, no caffeine, and I get tired... But then I lay down in bed an my body fights me. This is not mental anxiety- this is physical, like being punched in the stomach and turning your heart beat from a slow waltz to a chaotic mosh. I am tingling all over and feeling the true effects of sleep deprivation.

I can't come down, I can't relax- I exercise, I am FREAKING TIRED. My body is starting to shut down on me and I still can't get to sleep.

This is some kind of cruel joke.

about 2.5 weeks ago, I went to see my Psychiatrist about my building and constant anxiety. We lowered the dose of my anti-depressant and I put my kids on a more strict sleeping schedule. For a week, my irritability and mood swings seemed better... And taking ativan a night was helping for sleep. But 4 days ago- something happened, I don't know what and all of a sudden I can't sleep at all.

So, I am going to add the second anti-depressant that was prescribed to me. I had not filled it in hopes I would not have to- but it looks that it may be necessary. Maybe I just need to transfer to a new one.

This is such a cruel cruel joke. Things in my life are going great- and my body is flipping out in a most uncomfortable way.

I am hanging on... It will turn around at some point. Now, I am going to go try a warm bath- at 4 o'clock in the morning. HA.