Yes I did- I slept. I ended up taking 2 doses of ativan- one at 4:30- when damon got back from target and a second around 10:30. I managed to go to sleep around 3:00 and slept until almost 7:30- So it appears that Jovie did experience a little sedation from the medication, which makes me want to be extra careful. She slept an extra hour- I ended up waking her in order to feed her. But, she has seemed to recover without too much issue.
Today I DO feel better. Yesterday, I would say I was functioning at 15%. Today, it is more like 50 or 60%. I can still feel the panic in my chest, but I am doing my best to say "Fuck off panic, I don't need you" knowing that if things start to feel out of hand, I can take some medication. Hopefully in a couple of days this cycle of frustration will be broken and I can find my new version of normal.
Our plan for the day is to stay busy. I think that I am in control enough that if I get out of the house and keep my mind off of feeling bad (something I could not do yesterday). We REALLY need to go grocery shopping and it would not hurt to get Mina out of the house.
My c-section incision is still bothering me, unfortunately. There is one specific area that hurts A LOT, especially when I move in bed. I seem to recall feeling almost 100% at 10 days out- I am 6 days here, so I am remaining hopeful. In general, I just hope to get a little better everyday. I think getting out today will help with the pain as well.
One thing I can't seem to get over is how "hyper-aware" I am. I realize this is hormones and I hope that it will also go down, but that is the underlying issue with my panic and lack of sleep.
I have to finish this post with a very heartwarming thing that happened this morning. Everyone was going down to take a nap- (I thought it was worth a try, but did not fall asleep- however, did not panic :) ) Anyways- Jovie was next to me, Mina next to her, and Damon behind her. Mina reached over and started holding Jovie's hand. She did it on purpose and I thought my heart was going to break in two with the cuteness of it all.
I am glad that I am able to feel more settled right now. I hope for sleep tonight too. Those of you out there who are sending good thoughts/energy/prayers my way- I can't thank you enough-
1 comment:
First off, congratulations on your new beautiful little girl.
Next, good girl for calling the doctor and taking the pills.
Peter was almost four months old when I finally went for help. I didn't recognize myself as being super irritable and short-fused though Mat confirmed it afterward. But, besides the feeling of overwhelming hope-/helplessness when baby was crying at 3AM, my worst symptom was nightmares. Really horrible, violent dreams. I was not having trouble getting to sleep but I wasn't getting any rest because I woke up so stressed out by my dreams.
My doctor diagnosed post-partum depression and said he wanted to nip it in the bud. So I went on Zoloft. I think I took it until Peter was about a year, nursing the whole time. I had wondered about and feared medication before because of family history but doing this "for my baby" was definitely a motivator. And we weaned me off when I felt back in control (and done visiting in-laws a bunch ;)
You are dong the right thing. It is hard but so worth it. You can be the best mommy to your girls and be able to remember and enjoy the time too.
With love to my courageous friend, Marb
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