Just Back from my First OB appointment

First off, let me say that I am SO very happy I chose to have a midwife. The ENTIRE approach is right up my alley. It is very human-centric. They are very trusting and kind.

Today I saw Sheila. She is a kind-eyed, energetic woman with an aura of caring. She explained the regular office procedures, where to put my things when I come in, and I felt very excited yet comfortable. The room she examined me in was simply decorated with soft pink walls and a simple day bed with a quilt, as well as some chairs and the obligatory hospital sink. It was the perfect mix of clinical and domestic.

She answered all of my questions, and then some. She shared my joy and gave me some new perspective on "telling" our little secret. I have been struggling with telling people because I really want others to know, but I fear letting them down if I am unable to carry the wee one. I want to tell my mom the most... As I have said before, I want to know what she felt, what she went through- I wanted to learn from her experiences and add them to my bag of tricks.

Essentially Sheila suggested that if I were to miscarry, I would tell these people anyhow... And they would only grieve with me, as opposed to feeling the joy and elatation ALONG with the grief. They would only get half of the experience, and that it is kind of unfair. It really made me think. Damon and I are going to talk tonight. I think I am leaning toward telling a few key people (our closest family), and then telling everyone else once we are have heard the heart tones (hopefully October 19th!).

This is all moving so very quickly, I can hardly believe it.

I think my biggest, regret/fear is my body. I had just started working on it- eating healtier, exercising more, and yet- here I am only 9 pounds from my highest weight (though I suppose that is better than being there) and I feel a lot of guilt about not being able to lose more.

However, I recall talking with my grandma months and months ago about babies, and she said to me, "they come when they want to come." And I have to agree, I feel like this little one was ready to come out and play, or at the very least, check out the digs where it will be spending the beginning of its life. And I cannot explain how very happy that makes me.

The little one is "officially" due on May17th, but by my calculations, the little one would show up on May 14th or 15th. Wouldn't that be a nice gift for my mom on her birthday? Her first grandbebe... I hope that does not make her feel old.

Lastly, one little sweet thing I have to mention, and it may be all in my head- but for the last couple of mornings after I drop Damon off, he kisses me and then his fingers drift gently across my belly. Kind of like he is saying goodbye to the little one as well.

I am near tears- luckily the day is almost overy. My life, my heart, my joy- they overflow. I cannot think of a day that I have been happier than I am at this very moment.