Just take the Damned Medicine, Already

I spent a large part of yesterday and a large portion of this morning fighting off a panic. Tied up in knots. I was scared to take medication. Scared of becoming addicted to it, scared of the effects on my baby. But as Damon came up to snuggle me during a crying fit he asked me to take some, if only for him.

And I did (well, I took a half dose). We rested for a long while and though I did not sleep, I did get relaxed. I was laying there trying to let things kick in and closing my eyes. After a period of time (I was not watching the clock) I felt it fully kick in. It was like I dropped 100 pounds or as if the gravity in our bedroom had been turned off. My shoulders relaxed, and I felt SO MUCH BETTER.

Why the hell have I spent the last 2 days feeling like crap? Feeling nervous, hopeless, and generally horrible??? I was having little constant episodes of panic. I could not eat, could not really rest. Cried... Ugg.

I see my doc on Tuesday and I am going to talk to him about finding something more lasting that will address my anxiety and my tendency toward depression. Damon is pretty sure that this will go away when I have fully recovered from my c-section and my hormones have gotten back to normal. That is possible and something I hope for, but with my personal history I am not sure that I can for sure hope for that.

Still waiting to hear back from the psychologist I called yesterday (and again today). I did find someone I would have LOVED to see, but unfortunately she is out of network and it would cost me $500 deductible first and then they only pay 70% of the fee. Anyways, if I don't hear back by the end of the day I will try another psychologist. I also have a psychiatrist who I have worked with in the past (when I got depressed after going back to work with Mina) and I have no fear of seeing him again if I need to as well.

I guess right now I am feeling pretty hopeful. The fact that there are medications out there that could help me get a handle on this without causing major issues to my nursing baby makes me feel so much better. I would like to quit having panic attacks alltogether, but for now, at least I can get by with a half dose if needed, and a full dose if REALLY needed.