I have been down since getting up this morning- a low level "down" that I could not get a handle on. I could not figure out what the hell was bugging me so I went about my day took a shower, etc. Trying to ignore it.
Once Mina went down for a nap I let myself cry and tried to search my heart about what was bugging me.
It is going back to work, but not for the reason you would think... It is not leaving my babies 2 days a week. It is going back to only having Sundays off with Damon. Not only will this make things with a move more difficult, but I will lose a bit of my balancing force. I will have less time to "reboot" myself.
So I asked for us all to snuggle and rest a little. He obliged and now everyone in my house is asleep but me. I can't get the crappy feeling out of my stomach. I am strong enough to do this- it is a small price to pay to be home with my kids and to save lots of money on daycare- but right now I am just feeling selfish and stubborn. I want to have my cake and eat it too.
That will come someday soon- I hope, but for now I just have to try to live in the moment. Be sad if I am going to be sad, but don't spend the next 2 days fretting and worrying about what is going to happen. Instead, I need to be thinking about the present.
I may go try to rest again. Ia m so very very tired. I don't like it when my brain catches on fire like this.
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