At that time, Chitty Mini was merely Aretae- playful, loved giving kisses, and let me carry her around in my overalls.
She has been with me since that first big life change of my own, all the way until now- through marriage, two babies, and nearly to the point we would be in a new house...
On March 21st, she looked like this:
 |
| From Chitty Mini |
Then her brother went missing, and I started to notice a change in her- Not sure if it was the stress or if there was one less thing to occupy my attention... But she seemed sad. I chaulked it up to that and tried to comfort her as I could. It seemed perhaps she was losing weight, but I was not sure.
Then yesterday, I could clearly see her hip bones and spine. She would not eat or drink. She would not even lick cat food off of her nose... I whisked her off to the vet thinking it was something acute like crystals, since she so quickly went to lethargy and not eating.
Well, not acute. Chronic. Diabetes. And the vet asked me to honestly as myself if I would be able to stay on top of her diabetes, give her shots, and that it is more of an art than a science (I knew this part, I struggled with GD and my blood sugars and I could tell myself when things were wrong). Anyways, the vet laid everything out for me. Of course I was sobbing so hard I was sucking all the air out of the room. But I knew I could not handle that kind of care. I could try and pretend because I WANT to be that person who could do that and take care of 2 kids, and get a house ready for the market, and deal with my general helping of crazy. But I had to be really honest with myself. And that hurt a lot. I could not do what needed to be done to save my cat.
I brought her home so we could have one more night with her, to let her know how much we love her and make sure she was as comfortable as possible.
It was a selfish move, and in a way I wish I had not done it, because she continued not to eat, and though she let us pet her, she really was most comfortable on the cool floor, resting.
How is it that in 2 weeks she would go from this
 |
| From Chitty Mini |
to this?
 |
| From Chitty Mini |
It is in her eyes. You see the pain, or the "checking out" or whatever you want to call it.
I cried so hard yesterday that by 10 pm I could hardly see straight. I went to bed, but woke at 2 and started to cry again. I grabbed a pen and paper and started writing (in the dark). Pouring out my feelings of sadness, guilt, frustration, and disbelief. I also wrote about how much I loved her and things I did not want to forget- Like the freckle on her nose, or the tiger stripes in her orange patches...
I will probably recollect all of that in my personal journal soon. I did write her a poem that I have asked Damon to bury her with. He is my hero by the way- He is going through his own personal stuff right now and found the strength to take her to the vet for me, and let them put her to sleep.
Anyways- In his pocket, to be tucked away with some hyacinth flowers and a picture mina drew, is this poem (mind you, I really am not much of a poet)
May your atoms find their way into the trees
May you swing and rock and dance
Let the essence of you soar among the stars and come back down to the clouds.
And perhaps, someday you will kiss me on the cheek as one tiny, perfect snowflake.
Until the day when my atoms meet yours.
... So, that is it. I am sad. Her brother is still missing, but this is MUCH harder.
No comments:
Post a Comment