Just scooting along

I used to look at my stay-at-home mom friend and try to figure out where her time went. We emailed great when we were at work together, but when she was home she was nearly non-existent.

I remember reading a post by Heather Armstrong on dooce.com about struggling finding time to write with 2 kids. At the time I thought "Bah- NO WAY!"

Yeah, well- eat those words, Ms. Lauren. Where do all of the hours in my day go? Not a clue.

There are regular home things. Feeding, cooking, cleaning, playing... But it seems I have much less time to play on the Internets than my working friends.

I know I sleep less, spend less time on self care, etc. So I cannot fathom what happens to all of those hours.

YES, I am with my children, but not always "with" them. Mostly I am feeding them or cleaning up after them, praising (or more likely) instructing them to follow directions.

But here is what I am getting at really... In all of these days of hours and minutes, I lose track of my children growing. It is SO cliche. I know. I get it. I GET IT. I understand why it is cliche. Yes, because it is true. You turn around and your once cooing and babbling brunette coquette is looking at you and exclaiming "MOM THAT IS SOOOO COOL!!!" Over a pirate sweater...

Then the guilt kicks in. Writing has not been my strong point. Not that the art of writing was ever a strong point, but the chronology of things happening. I forget to do those things.

My children will have a wealth of pictures to look at. Thousands upon thousands thus far. I am enamored with them. They are my kids. Parents do that kind of thing. But they will not have much of my written word to read. Sure, I have stories to tell, things that are burned into my memory. Still, so much has been stolen by time.

Mina starts kindergarten late this summer. And I wonder and worry how it is going to change her. I wonder how my life with Jovie will change. Am I going to be enough to make her days happy and fulfilled???? For 2 years? Will I be able to make these next 6 or 7 months of Mina's school-free days into something magical? Or am I going to get stuck in the mire of day to day- The fight with my sanity (not exaggeration), keeping my home the way I want it to be all while still keeping some semblance of who I am as a person? I don't know.

That is it. I don't know. I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING. I don't remember what I want to remember. I don't know what is coming. I fear and delight in the future. But I can't plan joys for Mina's childhood during the hours she is out of my arms. I can't make Jovie laugh the way Mina can OR get them laughing in unison- not while they are apart.

Maybe the real truth is, I fucking hate change~