Anxiety, My Old Friend

Today I am '6 Months'- which sounds deceiving. I am 6 lunar months, aka 24 weeks.

The honeymoon period of pregnancy has proven itself as eye-opening. Though my physical symptoms have greatly decreased, my anxieties are now coming to the fore-front. I am guessing my body was just trying to survive those first couple of months, so my brain did not have the ability to digest the complexity and severity of the situation at hand.

Having a baby is a much bigger deal than I could ever fully grasp prior to getting pregnant. I did research and I understood the financial repercussions (though I did not fully research daycare), I knew my relationship with Damon would have to grow and change, and I knew I would be caring for another individual...

But I had no idea how much I would worry about this little person. Bebe has not even arrived yet and I am constantly thinking about what is going on in there and what things will be like when (s)he finally gets here. Will Damon and I be good parents? Will we do the "right" things? Will I love this little being?

To add to my worries, I have had trouble sleeping. Most nights I wake around 3 to use the restroom and then find myself unable to fall back asleep. I get comfortable, and I am truly exhausted- but my nose stops working and for some reason I cannot sleep while breathing through my mouth... In addition, I get some stupid song stuck in my head (this morning it was "Kids" from Bye Bye Birdie). The combination of a ridiculous song and the hot, dry mouth breathing send me into a frenzy of worry about not getting enough sleep. Tuesday night, this frenzy ended in a full-blown anxiety attack, complete with the inability to breathe and lots of tears. Damon woke during my hyperventilating fits and managed to get me to calm down- but I could not express much other than "I am never going to sleep again."

He made me stay home yesterday, I was not given much of a choice- and frankly it was a really good day. I did a lot of research on sleep and pregnancy and by the end of the day I was feeling confident that I could make my mid-night waking fits more tolerable. I just have to find a way not to let myself get overwhelmed. 5 am is not the time to think about your life- not unless you want a dark, sleep-deprived delusion to convince you EVERYTHING is wrong.

Pregnancy has been a real learning experience. I knew I was happy with my life with Damon before- I also knew we wanted a family together... But it took us getting pregnant for me to realize how precious that time we had together was, and how much I loved my life before. I believe our love and commitment will continue to grow, and that inviting a child into our lives will change things dramatically- hopefully in a good way.

However, it simply amazes me how it takes a life changing experience (like having a child or getting married, etc) to help me realize how fortunate I have been. Much of my life has been spent trying to "keep up with the jones." Having a baby is forcing me to take things as they are and be thankful for them. That is a true gift, and I am sure this is one of the first of MANY things having children will teach me.

All of this makes me wonder about my own mother... Does she still think of me in the middle of the night? Does she worry if I am getting enough to eat or if I am safe? Does her mother wake in the middle of the night wondering about her?