Perhaps this just has to be done...

Nearly two years ago, my life changed, my dna was altered, and my wiring blew a fuse. I have hesitated to write about my birth because I don't want a negative stigma surrounding Jovie... It just happened to be that my internal hell was loosed as she was let free from my body.

I don't remember much about the pregnancy really- I can go back and read things and remember them, though I do remember she rested on the opposite side of my belly than Mina did, so I have matching stretchmarks from them. I am ok with that.

In the days leading up to her birthday I tired so hard to stay "out of my head" and be "positive." Things were going to be different this time, for many many reasons. And I just could not let my mind dwell on them. Looking back, perhaps if I had dealt with those things sooner, the impact of what happened later would have been decreased.

We arrived to the hospital on time, and I looked and felt amazing. Of course, we did not get a picture of that :) I did cry on the way to the hospital, knowing that things would never be the same, but I truly had no idea what was going to happen to me...

So there I was, in the same room of the same hospital that I had visited at least weekly for at least 6 weeks prior to this date. It was the shift change-over, and the night manager, Kim, whom I had dealt with prior started to log me into the computer for the surgery and NONE of my information was there. NONE. I had to restate everything, go through my entire history. She was frustrated, I was confused, but we survived. At some point, Damon had to run home for something- I think it was the CAMERA! HA. While he was gone, the went ahead an inserted my IV. Or really, they tried. The first stick into the thin skin on the top of my hand, a hit and miss, and I got white hot, started to black out and thought I was going to be sick. And Damon is not there to fan me. But for a moment, my adrenaline response surged so high, I was ready to run out of the hospital screaming. Ass hanging out the back, flapping in the wind. The thought occurred to me "I just want to go home." By the time Damon got back, I had recomposed myself and was getting suited up for the operating room.

I remember as we drew closer, I could was singing the bittersweet refrain "this looks familiar, vaguely familiar..." And I saw the operating theater and there was an instant sensation of terror and elation. The last time I was in there, I could feel them putting my parts back in so they gave me quite a bit of medication to nearly knock me out after Mina was safely in Dadda's arms.

There is a picture of me, sitting on the operating Room table, all done up in poofy hat and cotton whatever-the-hell that partial piece of clothing was... And if you know me, if you know me well and you look into my eyes in that picture, you can see the fear and the pain. I was scared, Damon could not be in there with me when I was going through what ended up being the hardest part of delivery. The epidural. They could not find a way to get into my spine. I had four very difficult, very different "sticks" and I hear the anesthesiologist breathing hard and sweating as she grabs her walkie talkie and asks for someone else to come try. At this point, I whisper to the nurse who has my face nestled into her neck that I would like to go home now. And she laughed and said- its too late sweetie. The second anesthesiologist came in and BAM one try. She was a good 6 inches taller than the other anesthesiologist and she laughed and said that her height actually helped her that day.

Things go into fast forward here- Damon comes in, the put up the scrim and before I know it, Dr Schwartz is leaning onto the top of my belly, coaxing Jovie out. I don't remember her really screaming, but she had that magical cat mew. And I got to hold her- her face to mine... and the weirdest thing happened, I didn't cry. I don't know that I did with Mina either, but I was in a lot of pain that time. I was happy she was out and next to me- loved her blinky little eye and her tossle of jet black hair... But part of "me" was not there. I was disconnected some how. I don't really know how to explain that really. I know what needed to happen next to get me into my bed room, so I set my sights on recouping as fast as I could so I could hold her in my arms...

And I did. And she was BEAUTIFUL. But my heart was not reacting like I had expected it to. I was not bonding the way I expected to... That line of static in my brain, that I now often refer to, had started hissing and popping and keeping me from functioning correctly, and I did not know why.

Damon had to leave not long after Jovie was born. I was left alone with my mother, who could tell there was something wrong, but was not sure what. She was just trying to get me to rest. Everytime I would get close to falling asleep, I would jerk uncontrollably or flinch. My body was not my own. It was betraying me. My mind was betraying me. And I was all alone. Damon was at work, My mom had to go back to Springfield, and the nurses essentially put me in "lockdown" and did not allow any visitors in. I HAD to sleep. Damned if I was trying- I was. And I was holding my beautiful baby- who was a champ nurser and I though "I can do this." But when she had to go back to the nursery to do tests, I would pace around the room like a tiger in a too small cage. I made a frantic call to my mother- one that was virtually incoherent- where I begged her to come and help me. At least that is what i thought I was asking for. And then I called Damon, begging him to leave work and come be with me, I was scared and alone and falling apart. But he couldn't= Because Union Fucking Station would not let him. I will never forgive them for that.

There were bittersweet bright moments when Mina came to visit. Meme was insistent that she come visit and I am so glad she did. I could not really fall apart in front of her like I could Damon, but she brought me Mina, and seeing that little bit of normalcy seemed to help in the short term.

I had not been in the hospital a full 2 days and I was ready to GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE. I remember being able to take my first shower (in the hospital of course) and thinking, If I can just get out of here, I will be fine... (That my friends is denial, but we can save that for later)

I explained to my doc that I did not want to be stuck in a hospital bed, which was true, and that I thought I would be better at home, which I thought was true.... He smiled, knew that was part of me being me (not realizing the underlying panic that was overcoming me). And he set me up to go home.

I thought things would be better. And I have magical memories from that time- Mina holding Jovie's hand, my family all resting together... but I could not. The pacing tiger in my chest would not rest. Everything I tried to lay down, I would quickly have to get back up because my brain was swirling into the depths of CRAZY>

First we thought it was no sleep. So we tried benadryl. Lots of benadryl. Nope. nothing was helping. I got a small script for ativan and holy crap, it saved my live. it took me a long time to get to where I was stable for long periods of time. I feel like those first three weeks I was walking along with very serious physical and emotional wounds...

But I found a therapist and I started working through all of these things with her... and we are almost 2 years later here. She has watched Jovie grow. I am so glad i see her tomorrow because today has been a difficult day. This very moment is a difficult moment... I am having the same pacing tiger heart, and uncontrollable flinching.

There are a lot of things "hitting" me right now, but the scariest is how fast we went from no kids, to two kids and how much I have missed while dealing with this fucking mental illness. I am in its grip right now. I cant breathe deeply, I feel pain all over my entire body, my muscles are tingling... and I have taken my regular medications- I have to wonder a little bit- Is this just my body remembering what happened two years ago?

If it is, I hope that writing about it will clear it from my muscle memory.

I don't regret having Jovie. Not one single bit. She has changed who I am as a mother and her personality is so extremely unique, we are lucky to have her. I am so thankful for my daughters singing together and playing together. I am so thankful for all of these things.

My wish, if I got one, would have been to be prepared for the psychological onslaught. There really was no way to know how much having two babies would change my DNA...

I hope by processing some of this, I can help myself calm before bedtime.

I love my family, I love you all so very very much- and close friends are part of my family. You who know me truly already knew that... So please don't take this as a complaint against having children. It is not. But I sure as hell earned my baby #2 badge. I also don't want to think of this as a "birth horror story." because it is not. Even the quietest, most perfect of births is still traumatic to your body and to your baby. Birth is a rite of passage. Birth changes us as women (be it a physical or emotional birth). Our chemistry changes.

There are still kinks in my particular chemistry set. But I am working on it. And that is the most important part.